| There seems to be a hole in the world. So why is the light still shining? Shouldn't we all be sucked in? Shouldn't the universe just stop? There aren't any plot twists, or dream sequences to keep her around. No ghostly mentors to talk to me when I'm alone. I think suddenly of the emptiness and the fact that I can't ask her a question and hear her response. I think of where she is and slowly try to overcome the delusion that she just hasn't called recently, and that she's enjoying the weather thousands of miles away. Maybe that truly is where she is, thousands of miles away. But I can barely grasp onto that. And I hate myself, because rationally, and logically, and spiritually, I haven't found solace in the idea of God. I haven't held a hope for the next rest stop. Sure, I've conjectured, I've wondered, but nothing to the point of belief. And now, when she's gone, all I can hope is that there is somewhere else. That I'll be able to see her again one day, and that she's sitting some place passing her time leisurely 'til I can come see her again. But I don't think that! I don't think I do. I feel cowardly, as though this is just a pure reactionary response so often held by those in my position. And while I'm ok with ordinary thoughts and feelings, I also want my experience, her experience to be more than just a action of a circle, that her speck created waves of meaning. I don't think about it quite as much, but when I do, it consumes me. I agonize over the next moment when I won't be thinking about it, and when I will and how much it takes me over. Every moment for the rest of my life will be colored by this hole. Each step I take determined by my thoughts of her and the presupposition that this WILL occur again, that I will experience this darkness with another and another, perhaps even closer (though I can't even begin to fathom how) to me and my soul. I don't think I could take that black pit. I can't look down there. The thought makes me ill. What if it should happen tomorrow? Can I live? Can't I just glimpse oblivion, to know? To understand the way the universe ticks, so that I can rest my pondering, even for a minute. That won't answer all my questions, it won't wash away all my fears, or cleanse my spirit to keep me well, but I might be able to find a better action. This unknown road and enemy of my reality, who so often rips my mind into little pieces of doubt and wonder should be purged form me. Give me the struture, let me take some notes, show me a few frames so that I can live with my humanity and walk forward with some prior apprehension and planning, not a list or planner, just a preparation. An outline. This hole is eating my brain, and devouring hours and minutes, weeks, days, and I don't want to fear each to the next. That's all my wandering becomes, and I wish for peace. Peace for me, my mind, and her. She can't be gone, and I can't stand here knowing that all I have left is a memory of too many questions unasked, unanswered, too many scenes unplayed. One more Act, one more dialogue, one more summary or analysis or direction. Peace is all I ask. |
